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'kit by Martin Weller

by Martin Weller

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1.
Barcelona 02:32
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Barcelona Isn't it aw-ful-ly nice to be in Barcelona Back beneath the Catalunyan sun Oh Barceloneta, I'll never forget her Doubled in price, but still very nice and ever so much fun Ponche Cabellero, It's terribly gay in the old fashioned way Churches and state buildings; things one simply has to see Bella Barcelona; folks are rightly proud to be Blessed to love where you live and to visit Another most excellent time and place See the smiling faces; It's only torrential rain Salut Gaudy Lordy there with half a pint of gin Harrison and his Dads go for the Big Bang The scent of Mary Jane is all around Honestly, you would think that it grows on trees Spaghetti legs and hairy knees we all end up at the lost and found The Irish meet the English for the rugger Why is it nobody seems to like a Brit Politzi carry sub machine guns As we saunter along the beach Millionaire's Olympic harbour is beautifully lit Dos Buccanero por favor senor White sheets on pavement all around Serg and Pep wear the Yellow ribbon in solidarity Imprisoned politicians and Bolshy activists rebel One can scarecly believe that that cad Francisco Franco Ordered the bosch to wipe out the lot Catalunyan Anarchists, ramming La Rambla wont deter us Catalan revolution abounds Independence may one day be ours But until then, "¿Es muy agradable estar en Barcelona " Written by Martin Weller ©️ 2019
2.
Bar stool shuffle 03:10
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Bar stool shuffle I am just a stool; Not tall enough to reach the bar Don't buy no drinks but soak up plenty of yours Knocked down sometimes but my legs are firm I can't reach the bar Only one temporary owner at a time All sorts of assholes crushing me Perching parking, belching, farting You can only use me for a while 20 second rule applies; it's a public house It's not a bad life under a bum & I get recovered from time to time Bar flies, tavern rats, working men and those in spats I'm often near and yet so far Just a stool who can't reach the bar Steadfast and sure strong and stable Not like those stubbies around the table Their short fat legs you cannot trust I'll hold you up no matter what, no fuss Last orders now, it's time to say 'te' ra' See you tomorrow, maybe next week for another great debate I don't judge or offer my opinions I just take your weight Here's to us! Raise a glass To bar stools everywhere; up yours! I'm just a stool, I don't go far But I am not and never will I be - Tall enough to reach the bar Written by Martin Weller ©️ 2019
3.
Caught short 03:11
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Caught short Caught short, I need to spend a penny - breaking me neck Bladder full and fit to burst When you've gotta go, can't think of anything worse/else Need to find a place in a hurry, but guess what CS There's no where to hide and go, except behind a bush The loo was just around the corner - I thought I can hang on But they were locked, there was nowhere to run to I couldn't hold it in, so CS I really had to go - Out came Niagra falls, full Orininoco flow No matter what your age it's best not to ignore it You're often wrong - Hanging on for long is not an option any more CS The saving grace; it was late at night It wasn't funny at the time - gave me quite a fright/turn Urgent need, oh what a feeling, a blessed relief You can't win against bodily functions - If you think that you can, next time you feel the urge just try not to sneeze my-good-man So wherever you are, have one for the road Don't want to get/be caught short, 'cause you never know With your knickers down in the middle of Town Hanging out, hoping there's no one about *Along came a lass, she was jigging around “Can you vacate that spot, I need to squat down *CS “It's alright for you she says, but I have to crouch I need that bush with no one around”. *She was in in a flash, said, “you've made my day” - hey CS, the need to spend a penny - breaking your neck Need to find a place in a hurry, but guess what Written by Martin Weller © 2019 * additional lyrics by Vicki Whatley
4.
Fill the crack 04:48
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Fill the crack Fill the crack between broken slabs and craters This isn't Cuba mate, it's out of control (Please, just fill the holes) Watch where you step If you fall give a call to the Health & safety exec Put in a claim cos they are to blame Do something now before it's too late Before someone hits the deck and breaks their neck Use the plastic mountain to solve the issue Like they do in the thirld world Sue the local council and Devon County Highways Look at the size of that gaping hole Fill it in with a nice pot plant Tarmac and kerb; have a word Watch where you're going on the broken sidewalk Or pavement if you prefer Keep 'em peeled. Mind how you go Highway and byway, Belisha beacon I've always liked that word We've been saying for years, It will all end in tears The council are well in arrears A real worry and fear; not a political smear No one seems to give a damn; It's all out of hand - riff You pay your council tax, road tax and Duty - on fuel But all of that doesn't guarantee an outcome We're treated like fools, before a fall Written by Martin Weller ©️ 2019
5.
Keep Portland Weird 05:10
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Keep Portland Weird "Feels like there are two kinds of people, in Portland Weird people and weird people with beards” —Sean Jordan "Voodoo Doughnut maple bar with bacon Heart disease on top of diabetes” —Scott Losse Took all the houses that people of color were living in Turned them into boutique ice cream parlors and nail bars! It rains half the time in Portland The sun just can’t be trusted I saw a guy with a sign by SE Burnside & 32nd that read ‘I need a kidney donor, from one careful owner.’ - [Cravedog] Head up the stairs for a happy cocktail hour, Hung far low I like being here makes me feel more attractive, I know I am sick of hearing about the big pink The most frequent topic of conversation - in the city Berbati Pan closed down according to the Goog Where were you in our hour of adventure Nowhere to be found driving around Chattanooga neighborhood Friday Satirycon Cathedral, Devil's Point – Stripparaoke – Mr Plywood "It's not about the beer, it's about the beer" – Don Younger – Rogue Dare Risk Dream, Hipster or hobo - I don't know Bro We opened up in Stump Town, Multnomah County TC came up with the slogan 'Keep Portland Weird' Brewin' and drinkin' beer, cut off a slab of Redwood as a souvenir Go Thorns Go Timbers There's a man with a Zappa [beard] in the Music Millennium store Searching for something floor by floor When asked if any help was required, He replied with a smile: “I'm here to find out if it's true what I've heard 'cross the miles” So I explained: You are in the right place and have no fear It's Terry Currier day and yup, Portland is still weird Written by Martin Weller ©️ 2019
6.
Wrap rage 04:46
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Wrap rage Go to the store to get my favourite meal for one Blow me they've changed the brand; where' the aisle gone Buy me dinner, get it home, but when I come to open it – uh uh oh No way, no matter how or what I tried; I nearly screamed and cried Wrap rage quickly ensued; Wrap rage I just wanted me food I search everywhere for the kitchen scissors, but low and behold The carving knife looks so tempting Took up the handle and poised Through the redening mist with one swift slice Severed my artery; missed the package ended up in A&E [Accident & Emergency] Starving, bloody, me It was wrap rage that made me see red Wrap rage could have ended up brown bread Wrap rage; It's only a jar I've tried the rubber band trick - but no success so far I can't open the package; Suspect device - I want to throttle That annoying fiddly little tag on the plastic bottle The pilchard tin you can never get in With the easy to open peel back top Lethal edges if you prize the thing off; without snapping the ring Without losing a chunk of skin or a digit You're a better man than I Gunga Din, cos you've got a widget A sorry story of our age, all over the Journal front page Used to be road, but with child proof caps and sealed pack Now it's wrap rage that fuels our ire, I want to throw it on the fire How do the poor old devils get on (hang on a minute, I am one) When every top is slippery or too tight to open You could starve to death, whilst the fight goes on Even the bread is a ba-stard with that little plastic tie around the top Supposed to be resealable But that presumes you can it open in the first place Out comes the carving knife Attempted breaking and entering whilst endangering my life Tear here, tearing out my hair; cut along the line, open and reseal Issues with tissues, clutching at straws; what a lot of hot air Written by Martin Weller ©️ 2019
7.
Listen to me 02:47
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Listen to me Red is the colour of your heart and hair Love and compassion Always one to have a care Northern lass with a spirit of gold She has left this song which can never get old Listen to me, no, no, listen to me The hours we spent in good company Putting the world to rights Sat side by side She claims to be shy But she's wonderfully wise So, here' to you chuck Right here in our lives Something to bring back the laughter and smiles We fall in and out and we fall out and in Doesn't time fly by when we're 'avin a grin Strong and self-confident; Ra ra ra She's been known to empty the contents of her bra She likes half a cider and the odd puff on me fag Trevor just sits quiet like cos he don't like to brag He's got the best girl in the whole wide world And we'll never forget those immortal words Listen to me, no, no, listen to me The hours we spent in good company Sat side by side Just like Andy and Flo Anne asked me to write this for when she has to go So listen to no no listen to me One more for the road Three cheers to thee When the baby was born she broke the mold Now is the time that comes to us all Lift up yer heads and open your hearts Don't shed a tear that's not what Annie wants Let's raise a brew to our champion lass Here's to Anne Brogan – all good things must pass Written by Martin Weller ©️ 2019
8.
Strain 02:31
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What a load of fuss about a plant - Bearing up under the.... Strain Apothecanna Sexy Time, Royal Purple Topicals, Sunriver Guzzling Liz Vasquez, Moby Dick, Sugarwolf, Green Crack Barley Brown’s Hand Truck, Permafrost, Ching Ching Bend Mango, Eugreen Parse, Wesley's Wish, Hindu, Tsu Reserve Shango’s Gräs, Sassy's, Lucky Junk, Nana’s Fix, Kleen Karma Ambien, Mount Hood Magic, Bridesmaid, Single Ladies Oozy couch blob, Blue Shark, Bruce Banner, Jar head, Silver Hawk Yerba Buena, Zkittlez, Marrdog, Gorilla Glue, Lettuce Cuckoo Leira rolls, Durban Poison, Electric Little Beirut, Kenck-Crispin Closure Third Eye, Dragon Butterfly, Arcane Revelry, Occhipinti Jesus Tincture Radikon, Jakot, Serra Smock, Atavus, Eco Firma Kosher Tangie, Girl Pilot, Obscure morphine, Texada Timewarp Bone-deep, Obama, Orion's Belt, Sequestered Black Willie Nelson, Bernie's Universal, Vietnamese Tree Frog, Mexican, Ringo East Fork, Lucid Forest Mystery Machine, Big Beard, Mindful Golden Cobra, Bull Run, Trichcome, U Dub Hidden Elephant, Astral, Ten Four, Amnesia Starfighter, Crow's Storm Tommy Chong, Albina Avenue, Euphorics, Kind Heart Collective Flashy bright Psychoactive nuances, Cotton head space, Palatial vacancy, One gram draw, No duff, Stryder Mazzy Keen, Speedy Cactus, Jordan Islands, Dance party, Pistils, Squid shoot Thin pop-top, Sweden Blommer, Colorado, Touch the leaf China, Salzhauer, Panama, Mandarin fluency, Fresh earth Freight train, Quintessential, Beast, Red eye, Dreamberry Decadent dessert, Banging a bong, Alien Dog, Cerebral blast Quill Utilitarian Grapefruit, Moon cake, Cataract Maniacs, Leviathan, Cinderella 99, Cluster, Grand Cru Citadel Odor Flashback, Cool breeze, Sauvie Gaze, Grape Ape Candyland Dr. Who, Smurf, Skywalker Puff, Puff, Chomp – Soul food Written by Martin Weller ©️ 2019
9.
It wasn't the EU 05:34
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It wasn't the EU It wasn't the EU that split us in two, it was the fracking Tories Fishing quotas, Pension age, Austerity, Homelessness, Destitution, Survival sex – what the...? Not the EU, HM's UK Government – that's who, Tories Education, Arts, Libraries, Youth Clubs, Despair, Immigration Lies about the NHS, Adult Social Care, Mental Health, Fire, Police, Army types, burning buildings, power; cuts, cuts, cuts and more cuts, water contamination - Tories Increased tuition fees – Fib Dems. Penury, removing bursaries, culling badgers, netting trees, dumbing down of society, filthy rich aristocracy in the UK - Rotten turning his back on Anarchy, Grenfell, Morrisey, begging letters from the local head, underfunding everything, except.... posh nob Tories It not the EU that threatens your safety and freedom It's the wailing tories Tax havens for the super rich; whilst your meagre savings earn you zip – No FT – no fluffing tories Tax tax and more tax plus 20% VAT value added what? - Food banks Nurses and Doctors, Windrush, leaving in droves, British standards crashing, Job losses for the euros - Dodgy hour contracts – zero - Universal credit, if you can ever get it – bolloctix - Tories Went to poles 2016 – voted, Get rid of those Johnny foreigners, coming over here, Do you know what I mean? No mate - that's UKIP and the hateful Tories We're going to leave the Union, but we haven't got a plan The talking heads on telly - “Blockheads” according to me Nan It wasn't the EU that screwed us up, it was the lying Tories It's not the perfect beast, but it doesn't make our laws Leaving gives more power to the queer fish rich to screw us even more, are you sure? No deal. Written by Martin Weller ©️ 2019
10.
Pissed and stoned 02:28
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Pissed and stoned

about

Short for 'Fuck it', 'kit is a collection of Weller songs, written and recorded over the last 18 months, that fit no pigeon hole or genre [as usual].

The recording process has been an immense joy with a new found production partnership between Your Humble Narrator and Phil 'the crack' Treby.

We hope you enjoy some of the tracks and play them to friends, family, people you disagree with but still love and your Nan. Don't forget you Nan ;)

credits

released October 25, 2019

Phil Treby. Con Harries. Laurie Ward. Nick Bayes. John Mcloughlin. Geoff Green. Vicki Whatley and all those who sailed with us and kept us afloat. Martin Weller wrote the songs.

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Martin Weller Exmouth, UK

More Weller sounds and sights - soundcloud.com/martin-weller
www.youtube.com/user/TheMartinWeller

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